For nearly two decades, I have built my career in the orbit of powerful founders, reporting to a series of CEOs who dreamed of changing the world. I’ve seen the full spectrum of leadership, from the truly inspiring to the deeply dysfunctional. I learned firsthand that the very traits that make a founder magnetic—unwavering self belief, a captivating vision—can curdle into something toxic once they are in a position of power.
Beyond the Mask: Understanding the Hidden Realities of Narcissism in Women
The leader who can charm a room of venture capitalists is often the same one who creates a culture of fear behind closed doors. They demand absolute loyalty but offer none in return. Their confidence becomes arrogance, their passion becomes a weapon, and you, their direct report, are on the front line of the fallout. Your professional success and mental well being depend on recognizing the danger signs early. This is not just bad management; it is a destructive pattern of behavior.
So how do you spot that you’re working for a narcissist?
The initial deception is the hardest part. People with these tendencies are masters of the first impression, projecting a charismatic, supportive, and incredibly encouraging persona for months on end. For the first quarter, I was certain I had landed the perfect role, and I told everyone as much.
But the shift is gradual, like a shoreline slowly eroding. Small oddities turn into major inconsistencies, and then the gaslighting starts. You begin hearing things like, “That’s not how I remember it,” and, “You were the one driving that decision.” Accountability is a foreign concept, and blame is always deflected. Instead of constructive feedback, you get vague expressions of disappointment meant to keep you off balance.
Within a few months of this, you know the situation is deeply wrong. It’s not just a bad job anymore; it’s actively chipping away at your confidence and mental health. Your reputation feels like it is on the line, and you feel cornered, knowing you can’t just quit without a strategy.
If any of this feels familiar, understand that you are not making it up and you are not alone. A disproportionate number of people with these traits hold leadership roles in many fields, and the experience is profoundly damaging for the people they target.
As they say, be careful out there; not every shiny opportunity is gold.
Here are ten unmistakable signs you are working for a narcissist, illustrated by the things you will hear them say. (Yes, I’ve heard real executives say these things)
1. Their Rightness is Non Negotiable
They have an insatiable need for validation. Even when faced with data that proves them wrong, they will not concede. To them, facts are less important than their own conviction.
- It sounds like: “Well I just don’t trust this data then.”
- It sounds like: “It sounds like it’s more of an execution issue on your end, because I still believe in the principle.”
2. They Steal Your Success
They are masters of revisionist history, effortlessly taking credit for your best ideas. Your contributions are absorbed into their personal narrative of success.
- It sounds like: “When I talked to the investors about my idea to [your exact idea]…”
- It sounds like: “After consideration, we have decided to [do your idea you brought up a month ago]. I decided this because…”
3. Your Feelings are Irrelevant
They lack empathy and view your emotions as a liability or a tool for manipulation. Your well being is secondary to their agenda.
- It sounds like: “I’m surprised you haven’t cried yet today.”
- It sounds like: “Your biggest issue is always going to be your emotions. They are going to get in your way.”
4. They Command Constant Attention
They must be the center of gravity. They will dominate conversations and create events that exist solely to showcase their own voice, fearing they might be embarrassed in a more open forum.
- It sounds like: “Since so and so important person is coming, we’re going to cancel the all hands and hold a required town hall where they’re going to share their ideas, and you can ask them anything.”
5. They Never Truly Apologize
Admitting fault is a sign of weakness they cannot tolerate. If an apology is offered at all, it will be a backhanded manipulation, not an admission of wrongdoing.
- It sounds like: “Well I’m sorry you feel that way.”
- It sounds like: “I can’t believe you’re giving me this feedback right now.”
6. They Use Gaslighting to Control Reality
They will deny past statements and manipulate situations to make you doubt your own memory and competence. It’s a slow poison for your confidence.
- It sounds like: “I don’t remember it that way.”
- It sounds like: “Why haven’t you been doing [the exact thing they told you not to do months earlier]?”
7. It Is Always About Them
Every conversation, project, and decision is a vehicle to satisfy their ego. They will make critical choices in a vacuum, ignoring the very experts they hired.
- It sounds like: “I did the research into why this happened on my own, and I’ve made a decision.”
- It sounds like: “Does anyone have any more questions for me? No? [keeps talking]”
8. They Deliberately Play Favorites
Narcissists cultivate an inner circle of loyalists who validate them. If you are outside this circle, you will be professionally sidelined, regardless of your performance.
- It sounds like: “I was talking to so and so the other day about this, and we decided that…”
9. They Belittle and Demean to Feel Superior
To feel big, they must make others feel small. They will criticize your work, put you down publicly, and make cruel comments disguised as management wisdom.
- It sounds like: “Just hire more people who are doers and not thinkers.”
- It sounds like: “Hire people with a little bit of anxiety – they always work the hardest.”
10. They Refuse All Responsibility
Nothing is ever their fault. A failed project is the result of the economy, a “crazy person on their team,” or your lack of execution. They will hold you responsible for hitting impossible goals even after denying you the resources.
- It sounds like: “YOU set these goals. You’re responsible for hitting them.”
- It sounds like: “Because we didn’t hit the goals, you are being laid off.”
Your Playbook for Survival and Escape
If this feels disturbingly familiar, you must act to protect yourself.
- Become a Meticulous Record Keeper. This is your primary defense. Create a private document off company servers. Log every incident with the date, time, direct quotes, and who was present. This is not about building a case; it is about holding onto reality.
- Define and Defend Your Boundaries. Your availability and your responsibilities must be clearly defined by you. Do not reply to emails at 10 PM. Politely decline tasks far outside your job description. They will push; you must hold firm without apology.
- Communicate with Purpose. When you must address hostility or falsehoods, use a factual, unemotional approach. State the facts briefly and clearly. Refuse to engage with the emotional chaos they try to create. Your calm is your power.
- Quietly Plan Your Departure. You cannot change a narcissist. Your long term solution is to leave. Update your resume, reconnect with your network, and start defining what a healthy work environment looks like for you. Your goal is not just to escape, but to move toward something better.
This experience can be profoundly damaging to your sense of self worth. But remember, their behavior is a map of their own character, not a measure of your value. Recognize the pattern, protect your well being, and know that your best career move is planning the one that takes you out their door.
