Beyond the Mask: Understanding the Hidden Realities of Narcissism in Women

1. Introduction: Seeing Past the Stereotypes of Narcissism

When we hear terms like “psychopath” or “narcissist,” the image that often springs to mind is male. Figures from the darkest corners of history and fiction, such as Charles Manson, Ted Bundy, Hannibal Lecter, or Patrick Bateman, have largely defined these labels in the public consciousness. This is not an accidental association; rather, it is a reflection of long held societal and scientific assumptions that have shaped our understanding. Most famous individuals considered psychopathic or narcissistic, whether historical figures or contemporary personalities, are indeed male.

This common perception, however, begins to unravel when we consider the quieter, often unseen, presence of such traits in women. For many years, the scientific community largely overlooked the possibility that women could exhibit significant psychopathy or narcissism. There was an underlying assumption, as Dr. Ava Green from City St George’s, University of London, points out, that women were perhaps “too wonderful” for such characteristics, leading to a significant gap in dedicated research. This tendency to overlook such traits in women was not merely an accidental oversight in early scientific inquiry. It appears deeply connected to broader societal expectations that have historically painted women with a palette of nurturing and gentle qualities, while reserving darker, more aggressive traits for men. When a society does not anticipate seeing certain characteristics in a particular group, it naturally follows that the tools and methods for observation, in this case, diagnostic psychological assessments, are not designed with that group in mind. This can create a cycle where the lack of expectation leads to a lack of detection, reinforcing the initial, flawed assumption.

However, a growing body of research over the past few decades is painting a more complex and nuanced picture, suggesting that women can, and do, possess these “dark streaks”. The challenge lies in the fact that these traits often express themselves differently in women. They can be more subtle, more hidden, and consequently, harder to identify with diagnostic instruments that were primarily developed and validated using male subjects. This phenomenon is not unlike how conditions such as autism or ADHD can present with varied characteristics across genders, often leading to delayed diagnosis or misdiagnosis in women and girls. The development of diagnostic tools based predominantly on male presentations means that even when women exhibit these traits, the instruments may lack the sensitivity to capture their unique manifestations. This is not simply a matter of missing a label; it is a failure to fully understand an individual’s internal experience and the profound impact their behavior can have on those around them.

This article embarks on a journey to illuminate these often misunderstood and misdiagnosed traits in women. It is an exploration intended for those of us who have encountered these behaviors firsthand, felt their impact in our relationships and communities, or perhaps recognize aspects of these descriptions in ourselves or our loved ones. For many, particularly within diverse communities, discussing such sensitive aspects of personality can be fraught with challenges. Yet, understanding is the first crucial step towards navigating these complex emotional landscapes. This piece is offered with deep empathy, acknowledging the personal significance and the often painful realities this topic holds for so many individuals.

2. The Unseen Struggle: Why Female Narcissism Stays in the Shadows

The reasons why narcissistic and psychopathic traits in women have remained largely in the shadows are multifaceted, stemming from historical biases in research and the powerful influence of societal expectations. Dr. Ava Green, a lecturer in forensic psychology at City St George’s, University of London, and an expert on narcissism in women, underscores that scientists historically did not dedicate significant effort to studying these traits in female populations. This oversight means that our collective understanding is still in a phase of catching up, with many long held assumptions being actively challenged by new evidence.

A significant factor contributing to this obscurity is how societal roles and expectations for women can effectively conceal these traits. The expression of what are often termed “dark traits” in women frequently aligns with behaviors that are either socially accepted as feminine or are, at least, less overtly alarming than their male counterparts. For instance, manipulative behaviors might be cloaked in the guise of nurturing concern or presented through a narrative of victimhood, making them difficult to identify as problematic. Dr. Green posits that “narcissistic women are abusing in ways that society allows,” often leveraging their femininity by presenting as soft spoken and gentle. This presentation, however, can be a “cunning; it’s premeditated” act designed to mask underlying motives. If society anticipates women to be passive or nurturing, any aggressive or manipulative tendencies are more likely to be channeled into forms that fit these expectations, such as relational aggression or playing the victim, rather than the overt physical aggression more commonly associated with male psychopathy. This makes the behavior far more challenging to label accurately as “narcissistic” or “abusive,” allowing it to persist unrecognized.

To better understand these behaviors, it is helpful to introduce the concept of the “Dark Triad.” Many individuals possess some level of what researchers term “dark” personality traits. These are often grouped into three overlapping but distinct constructs: psychopathy, narcissism, and Machiavellianism. Narcissism is characterized by a tendency toward grandiosity, arrogance, and an excessive need for admiration. Psychopathy involves a lack of empathy or remorse, often coupled with impulsivity and antisocial or even criminal behavior. Machiavellianism describes a tendency to be manipulative, cynical, and unethical in the pursuit of power and control.

While the prevalence of clinical levels of narcissism (estimated at around 1 to 5 percent of the population) and psychopathy (around 1 percent) is relatively low, with a significant portion of these individuals found within correctional facilities, subclinical levels of these traits are far more widespread. It is estimated that approximately one third of the general population may exhibit above average levels of dark traits. Individuals with these subclinical traits, though not meeting full diagnostic criteria, can still cause considerable damage. They often display a hunger for power and control, and can be selfish, unempathetic, manipulative, deceptive, and remorseless to varying degrees. The pervasiveness of these subclinical traits is a significant point; it suggests that a large number of people are regularly interacting with individuals who, while not clinically diagnosable, can inflict substantial emotional and psychological harm in personal relationships, families, and professional environments. This transforms the issue from a niche clinical concern into a widespread societal phenomenon, impacting trust, relational health, and overall well being, particularly for those in communities who may already be navigating other systemic stressors.

3. Redefining Narcissism in Women: It’s Not Just Vanity

The common stereotype of narcissism, especially when applied to women, often conjures images of excessive vanity or self absorption. However, the reality of narcissism, particularly as it manifests in women, is far more complex and extends well beyond surface level concerns with appearance. Dr. Ava Green emphasizes that the fundamental core of narcissism remains consistent across genders: individuals with these traits “express entitled expectations, grandiose fantasies and a lack of empathy”. This shared foundation challenges simplistic interpretations and directs attention towards deeper personality structures.

Researchers have identified two primary expressions of narcissism: grandiose and vulnerable. Grandiose narcissism is the more classically recognized form, characterized by overt high self esteem, extroversion, a sense of superiority, and socially dominant behavior. Studies suggest that men are more likely to display this grandiose type.

In contrast, vulnerable narcissism is now understood to be more commonly observed in women. This form is marked by seemingly contradictory traits: an underlying sense of entitlement and grandiosity coupled with introversion, defensiveness, low and unstable self esteem, profound insecurity, and an extreme hypersensitivity to criticism or perceived slights. Women exhibiting vulnerable narcissism may appear more brittle and are typically less boastful than their grandiose counterparts. Dr. Green suggests that this less overtly boastful presentation in women may be a result of societal norms, as overt bragging and “chest thumping” are generally less socially acceptable for women. Despite this quieter demeanor, it is crucial to understand that women with vulnerable narcissism can still engage in behaviors such as lying, cheating, and controlling others.

The connection between vulnerable narcissism and aggression is a particularly important, albeit counterintuitive, finding. Research, including studies highlighted by Dr. Green, indicates that vulnerable narcissism in women is significantly associated with the perpetration of psychological, physical, and even sexual aggression towards intimate partners. It is not that all women with vulnerable narcissistic traits are violent, but rather that specific features within this presentation, such as a tendency to devalue others and a proneness to “entitlement rage” (lashing out when perceived entitlements are not met), are strongly linked to aggressive behaviors. The fragile self esteem inherent in vulnerable narcissism can lead to a state of being “shamefully dependent on others to provide admiration”. When this crucial external validation is threatened or withheld, these individuals may respond with aggression in an attempt to regulate their precarious self esteem and assert a sense of power and control. This reveals a desperate and often destructive coping mechanism rather than the more calculated predatory intent sometimes associated with grandiose narcissism.

“Narcissistic women are abusing in ways that society allows” – Dr.Ava Green

The way society’s expectations shape the expression of these traits is a recurring theme. Dr. Green’s assertion that “Narcissistic women are abusing in ways that society allows” points to a critical dynamic. They might present with a soft spoken demeanor and leverage stereotypical notions of femininity, but this can be a “cunning, premeditated” facade. The “abuse” may manifest through tactics that are less physically overt but deeply damaging, such as relational aggression (e.g., spreading rumors, social exclusion, backstabbing), emotional manipulation (e.g., guilt tripping, playing the victim to elicit sympathy or control), or using children or sexuality as leverage to gain power and control within relationships. These methods often align with, or are camouflaged by, traditional gender related roles and expectations, making it exceptionally difficult for friends, family, authorities, and even clinicians to accurately identify the underlying narcissistic patterns. If society is less likely to scrutinize or condemn manipulative behaviors when they are cloaked in “feminine” terms—such as emotional appeals, feigned helplessness, or indirect aggression—then these behaviors are, in effect, implicitly enabled. This can create an environment where such tactics become more refined and effective for the individual with narcissistic traits, perpetuating a cycle of harm that is often invisible to the outside world.

To clarify these distinctions, the following table outlines key differences between grandiose and vulnerable narcissism, particularly as they may manifest in women:

Grandiose vs. Vulnerable Narcissism in Women

Feature	Grandiose Narcissism	Vulnerable Narcissism
Self Esteem	High, overtly inflated, appears stable	Low, unstable, defensive, hidden grandiosity
Social Presentation	Extroverted, dominant, boastful, attention seeking	Introverted, may appear shy, anxious, or present as a victim, hypersensitive
Response to Criticism	Overt anger, denial, devaluation of the critic	Extreme hypersensitivity, withdrawal, shame, rumination, potential for lashing out
Common Manifestations in Women	Less common; may be seen in overtly competitive, high achieving individuals who demand admiration.	More common; often hidden behind insecurity, expressed through relational aggression, manipulation via victimhood, passive aggression, high reactivity to perceived slights.
Underlying Antagonism	Shared: Entitlement, willingness to exploit others, lack of genuine empathy, focus on self needs.	Shared: Entitlement, willingness to exploit others, lack of genuine empathy, focus on self needs.

Understanding these nuances is vital because the stereotype of the loud, arrogant narcissist often causes the quieter, more insidiously manipulative vulnerable type, especially in women, to be overlooked, leading to prolonged suffering for those in their orbit.

4. The Spectrum of Dark Traits: How They Manifest Differently in Women

Beyond narcissism, the other components of the Dark Triad—Machiavellianism and psychopathy—also show distinct patterns of expression in women, often diverging from the more commonly recognized male manifestations. These differences are crucial for a comprehensive understanding, as they highlight how societal factors and gendered behavioral norms can shape the outward presentation of these underlying personality structures.

Machiavellianism: The Art of Manipulation, Often Underestimated and Differently Expressed by Women

Machiavellianism is characterized by a strategic, manipulative, and often cynical approach to interpersonal relationships, with a primary goal of achieving personal power and control through unethical means. While men typically score higher on standard measures of Machiavellianism, there is a growing belief among researchers that these tests may not fully capture the trait in women. This potential underestimation stems partly from the fact that the psychological construct itself was inspired by the writings of a man, the Renaissance diplomat Niccolò Machiavelli, and thus may inherently reflect male modes of power acquisition.

Research indicates that while Machiavellian men and women share an equal level of cynicism, their behavioral expressions differ. Machiavellian men tend to be more confident, assertive, and overtly selfish in their pursuits. In contrast, Machiavellian women may present as more conscientious and anxious, and have been noted to be more likely to doubt their partners and engage in deceptive behaviors within relationships, such as cheating. The observation that Machiavellian women might appear “more conscientious, anxious” is particularly noteworthy, as these are not traits traditionally associated with the cold, calculating image of Machiavellianism. This strongly suggests that current assessment tools, potentially designed with male archetypes in mind, are missing how this manipulative trait manifests in women who might be equally cynical but employ different behavioral clusters, perhaps using conscientiousness and expressed anxiety as part of a more controlled, carefully planned manipulative strategy. Recognizing this, new tests are being developed with the aim of being less skewed towards male expressions of the trait.

Psychopathy: Beyond Violence – The Subtle, Manipulative, and Often Overlooked Psychopathic Traits in Women

Psychopathy shares similarities with Machiavellianism, such as a manipulative and unempathetic core, but is often distinguished by poorer impulse control and a more pronounced antisocial bent. Like Machiavellianism, men also typically score higher on traditional psychopathy assessments. Individuals with psychopathic traits are often characterized by superficial charm, charisma, and an intense desire for power and control, which they pursue through various means available to them.

Dr. Clive Boddy, an Associate Professor at Anglia Ruskin University and an expert in corporate psychopathy, suggests a key difference in how this control is sought across genders. For men, the path to control may more frequently involve physical means, such as violent intimidation. For women, however, manipulation of people’s feelings and social dynamics may be the preferred route. This can involve women with psychopathic traits using their sexuality or perceived vulnerability to gain power and control; the article cites Ghislaine Maxwell and Elizabeth Holmes as potential, though unconfirmed, public examples of this dynamic.

Dr. Ava Green elaborates on this by stating that such women may “weaponise anything that society allows them to use”. This is a critical point: it suggests a sophisticated adaptation where individuals exploit existing social norms or vulnerabilities to achieve their aims. For example, if society views women as primary caregivers, a woman with psychopathic traits might exploit this by using children against a partner. Similarly, if societal biases make accusations of abuse from women more readily believed, this can become a potent manipulative tool, potentially more effective and less risky for them than direct physical threats. This is not merely about different behaviors; it points to a strategic exploitation of the social fabric itself.

Dr. Boddy’s research offers a significant challenge to traditional prevalence estimates. By focusing on “primary psychopathy”—which encompasses the core personality elements like callousness, remorselessness, and manipulation, while excluding the more overtly antisocial and criminal behaviors often categorized under “secondary psychopathy”—his findings suggest a much smaller gender gap. His analysis of 913 individuals in the US, UK, and Australia revealed that 28% of men and 19% of women had scores on primary psychopathy high enough to be considered toxic. This leads him to propose that the actual ratio of male to female psychopathy might be closer to 1.2:1, indicating that female psychopaths could be up to five times more common than previously thought. This focus on primary psychopathy may offer a more gender neutral lens. If women are socialized away from overt violence (a key component of secondary psychopathy), their scores on traditional psychopathy measures will naturally be lower, even if they possess the core callous and manipulative traits. By isolating primary psychopathy, Dr. Boddy is, in effect, peeling away a layer of gendered behavioral expression, which has profound implications for risk assessment and understanding across various contexts.

The following table summarizes some of the key differences in the expression of these dark traits between men and women:

Grandiose vs. Vulnerable Narcissism in Women

Feature	Grandiose Narcissism	Vulnerable Narcissism
Self Esteem	High and overtly inflated Appears stable	Low and unstable Defensive with hidden grandiosity
Social Presentation	Extroverted and dominant Boastful and attention seeking	Introverted, may seem shy Anxious or presents as a victim Hypersensitive
Response to Criticism	Overt anger and denial Devaluation of the critic	Extreme hypersensitivity Withdrawal and shame Rumination and potential lashing out
Common Manifestations in Women	Less common Seen in competitive, high achievers who demand admiration	More common, often hidden Relational aggression Manipulation via victimhood Passive aggression and high reactivity
Underlying Antagonism	Shared traits of entitlement Willingness to exploit others Lack of genuine empathy Focus on self needs	Shared traits of entitlement Willingness to exploit others Lack of genuine empathy Focus on self needs

This differential expression underscores that the absence of stereotypical male aggression or overt antisocial behavior does not equate to the absence of these complex and often harmful personality traits in women.

5. The Maze of Misdiagnosis: Why We Get It Wrong with Women

The journey to accurately identifying and understanding narcissism and psychopathy in women is fraught with challenges, largely stemming from biases embedded within diagnostic tools and clinical perspectives. These systemic issues often lead to misdiagnosis or a complete failure to recognize these traits, leaving many women without appropriate understanding or intervention, and those affected by their behavior without validation or support.

When Diagnostic Tools Fail: The Male Bias in Tests like the PCL R

A significant hurdle in assessing psychopathy in women lies in the very instruments designed for its detection. The Psychopathy Checklist Revised (PCL R), a widely used tool, particularly in forensic and prison settings, was predominantly developed and standardized based on male offender populations. This male centric foundation extends even to measures designed to assess subclinical levels of psychopathy in the general population, such as the Levenson Self Report Psychopathy Scale, which are often loosely based on the PCL R’s framework.

These tests typically evaluate two main factors: “primary psychopathy,” which includes core traits like callousness, lack of remorse, and manipulation, and “secondary psychopathy,” which is more focused on impulsivity, an unstable lifestyle, and overt antisocial behaviors. Because women are, on average, less likely to engage in overt violence or accumulate extensive criminal records compared to men, they often score lower on the secondary psychopathy factor. This, in turn, can significantly reduce their overall psychopathy scores, leading to an underestimation of the trait. Recognizing this discrepancy, Dr. Clive Boddy advocates for placing greater emphasis on primary psychopathy when assessing women, as this focuses on the core personality disturbances rather than just the behavioral outcomes.

Dr. Felice Carabellese, from the University of Bari, whose research involved female murderers in Italy, echoes these concerns. He observed that the psychopathic component in women can be easily underestimated or undervalued precisely because the diagnostic tools are not as refined for female populations as they are for males. His studies found that female killers often scored higher on primary psychopathic traits, such as manipulation, compared to their male counterparts, while male psychopaths scored higher on measures of antisocial behavior. This suggests that the manifestation of psychopathy itself may differ in emphasis across genders.

Furthermore, a critical omission in tools like the PCL R is the lack of items pertaining to parenting quality. It is known that poor parenting is linked to psychopathy in women, yet this domain is not assessed. This is a glaring gap, highlighting how diagnostic instruments can fail to incorporate gender specific risk factors or areas where psychopathic traits might be most prominently and damagingly expressed in women. If a key correlate and potential expression domain for female psychopathy is entirely absent from a primary assessment tool, the tool is fundamentally limited for that population. This could lead to psychopathic women who are harmful parents being completely missed by evaluative systems.

Beyond the limitations of the tools themselves, clinician bias can also contribute to misdiagnosis. As Dr. Boddy suggests, male clinicians, for instance, may be relatively hesitant to assign a diagnosis of psychopathy to a woman who presents as “nice” or “charming” during an assessment, even if underlying manipulative and callous traits are present.

The Common Misstep: Female Narcissism Mistaken for Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

One of the most frequent errors in diagnosing women with narcissistic traits, particularly the vulnerable subtype, is misattributing their symptoms to Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Dr. Ava Green highlights this issue, explaining that the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM 5)—a cornerstone diagnostic manual in many parts of the world—tends to be skewed towards male presentations of narcissism, focusing heavily on grandiose features. Consequently, when women present with the emotional dysregulation, unstable self image, and interpersonal difficulties characteristic of vulnerable narcissism, these symptoms can overlap with BPD criteria, leading to the latter, often more “feminized,” diagnosis. Women with vulnerable narcissism often present a diagnostic paradox: they may appear “less socially deviant and more agreeable” than women with other dark traits, yet simultaneously experience “the worst mental health,” according to research by Dr. Antonella Somma. This outward agreeableness, potentially coupled with what Dr. Green describes as an ability to “fake empathy”, can actively mislead clinicians who are using diagnostic frameworks centered on male expressions or overt aggression. If a woman presents as agreeable and seemingly empathetic, she is less likely to fit the aggressive, dominant stereotype often associated with narcissism or psychopathy. This, combined with her genuine distress, might lead clinicians down a path of diagnosing anxiety, depression, or BPD, thereby missing the underlying narcissistic structure that drives both her internal suffering and her subtly manipulative interpersonal behaviors.

A Clearer Lens? How the ICD 11 Offers a More Inclusive View of Vulnerable Narcissistic Traits

There is hope for more accurate diagnosis with newer diagnostic approaches. Dr. Green suggests that the International Classification of Diseases, 11th Revision (ICD 11), the European diagnostic manual, may be more adept at capturing female narcissists because its framework for personality disorders inherently includes and allows for the coding of vulnerable narcissistic traits. The ICD 11 moves towards a dimensional approach, assessing the severity of impairment in core areas of personality functioning (such as self and interpersonal domains) rather than relying solely on fitting individuals into predefined categorical boxes. Research indicates that this dimensional model, by emphasizing these fundamental elements of personality functioning, tends to yield more consistent ratings of impairment regardless of patient or clinician gender, thereby potentially reducing the gender bias observed with more categorical systems like the DSM 5’s approach to Narcissistic Personality Disorder. This shift in the ICD 11 towards a dimensional assessment of personality functioning, rather than rigid categories, could be a significant step in promoting gender equity in diagnosis. By focusing on the degree of impairment in areas like identity, self direction, empathy, and intimacy , it may be better equipped to capture the internal experience and relational impact of vulnerable narcissism, irrespective of whether the presentation aligns with “typically male” or “typically female” stereotypes.

Insights from Research: Dr. Antonella Somma’s Work on Italian Women and Their Experiences

Dr. Antonella Somma, at the Vita Salute San Raffaele University in Milan, has conducted significant research into dark traits among women. One study involved nearly 1,000 Italian women. Key findings from her work indicate that women with elevated levels of dark personality traits were more likely to exhibit high levels of aggression. However, this aggression tended to manifest differently than in men, with women showing more indirect forms like rumor spreading and backstabbing, as opposed to the more direct physical aggression often seen in males.

In Dr. Somma’s research, women who scored high on psychopathy, Machiavellianism, and grandiose narcissism also tended to score low on agreeableness (a measure of friendliness and cooperativeness) and high on social deviance (a tendency to break rules or social norms). Interestingly, women who primarily exhibited vulnerable narcissism presented a different profile. They were found to be less socially deviant and more agreeable than women with other dark traits. However, they also reported more paranoid thoughts and experienced the poorest overall mental health, a finding Dr. Somma suggests could be linked to their deep seated insecurity and an intense desire to fit in and be accepted. As noted earlier, Dr. Green adds that individuals with vulnerable narcissism may be adept at feigning empathy, further complicating their presentation.

A specific study by Somma and colleagues, titled “Dark Ladies: Maladaptive Personality Domains, Alexithymia, and the Dark Triad in Women,” explored these traits in community dwelling adult women. This research identified distinct personality profiles associated with each of the Dark Triad traits. Antagonism emerged as a common positive predictor across all three. Notably, negative affectivity (a tendency to experience negative emotions) was positively associated with narcissism but showed a negative association with psychopathy and Machiavellianism. Psychopathy, in this female sample, was linked to high levels of detachment and disinhibition. The study also highlighted the role of alexithymia (difficulty identifying and describing emotions), finding that it had a mediating effect in the relationship between maladaptive personality domains and both psychopathy (a positive link) and Machiavellianism (a negative link).

The following table provides a comparative overview of key diagnostic systems and their challenges concerning women:

Grandiose Narcissism

Feature	Description
Self Esteem	High, overtly inflated, and appears stable.
Social Presentation	Extroverted, dominant, boastful, and attention seeking.
Response to Criticism	Overt anger, denial, and devaluation of the critic.
Common Manifestations	Less common in women; may be seen in overtly competitive, high achieving individuals who demand admiration.
Underlying Antagonism	Shared traits include entitlement, willingness to exploit others, lack of genuine empathy, and a focus on self needs.

Vulnerable Narcissism

Feature	Description
Self Esteem	Low, unstable, defensive, with hidden grandiosity.
Social Presentation	Introverted, may appear shy, anxious, or present as a victim; hypersensitive.
Response to Criticism	Extreme hypersensitivity, withdrawal, shame, rumination, and the potential for lashing out.
Common Manifestations	More common in women; often hidden behind insecurity, expressed through relational aggression, manipulation via victimhood, passive aggression, and high reactivity to perceived slights.
Underlying Antagonism	Shared traits include entitlement, willingness to exploit others, lack of genuine empathy, and a focus on self needs.

These diagnostic challenges underscore a systemic issue: when the tools are biased, the outcomes are compromised, perpetuating a cycle of misunderstanding and insufficient support for women with these traits and for those affected by their behaviors.

6. The Ripple Effect: The Impact of Female Narcissism and Dark Traits

The presence of narcissistic and other dark personality traits in women creates far reaching consequences, extending into workplaces, intimate relationships, family systems, and even interactions with the criminal justice system. The impact is often characterized by subtle, insidious forms of harm that can be just as damaging, if not more so due to their covert nature, than more overt expressions.

In the Workplace: The Subtle Undermining and Toxic Environments

Female leaders exhibiting narcissistic traits can inflict significant damage within organizations, comparable to their male counterparts in terms of causing reputational harm, high staff turnover, and fostering environments of bullying. However, as Dr. Ava Green notes, they may achieve these outcomes in a “more sneaky way”. While male leaders with such traits might rely on overt aggression and social dominance to establish authority, female leaders might employ more indirect tactics. For example, they might deflect responsibility for unpopular decisions, such as firings, by blaming higher ups, even if they themselves orchestrated the outcome. This “quiet sabotage” is a critical distinction. Overt aggression is often clearly identifiable and may be addressed through established human resources protocols. Covert aggression, such as spreading rumors, subtly undermining a colleague’s work, or manipulative blame shifting , is far harder to pinpoint, document, and prove. This allows the behavior to persist, often for extended periods, causing widespread but less visible harm to team morale, individual careers, and overall organizational health.

Covert narcissists in the workplace are particularly adept at undermining colleagues, taking undue credit for others’ work, using subtle forms of manipulation to curry favor with superiors, and strategically withholding information to maintain an advantage or control over situations. The case study of “Ravathi,” a woman with diagnosed NPD, provides a clear illustration: she displayed grandiosity by exaggerating her contributions, had an insatiable need for admiration, exhibited a strong sense of entitlement, exploited colleagues for personal gain, and ultimately created a toxic and demoralizing atmosphere within her team. Furthermore, individuals with dark traits who ascend to leadership positions are noted by Dr. Clive Boddy to sometimes engage in CV fraud and often demonstrate a concerning lack of moral consideration regarding important issues such as corporate sustainability, equality, or diversity initiatives.

In Relationships: The Pain of Relational Aggression and Emotional Manipulation

In intimate relationships, the impact of female narcissism can be profoundly damaging. Vulnerable narcissism, the form more commonly seen in women, has been found to be more strongly linked to various forms of aggression within relationships—including physical and verbal bullying—than the grandiose type. Narcissistic women may employ relational aggression, such as spreading malicious rumors or engaging in backstabbing, and are often skilled in emotional manipulation, utilizing tactics like gaslighting (making the partner doubt their own reality), guilt tripping, and playing the victim to control or punish their partner. For instance, they might engage in victim shaming, enable abusive behavior from others if it serves their interests, deliver covert put downs disguised as concern, use fear mongering, or attempt to police and shame other women, particularly those they perceive as threats.

The “weaponization” of aspects of their identity or social roles is also a common theme. This can involve using their children against a partner, or leveraging their sexuality to gain power, admiration, or control. Personal accounts from individuals who have been in relationships with narcissistic women frequently describe a painful and confusing cycle of idealization (love bombing), devaluation (criticism, gaslighting, emotional withdrawal), and often, discard. Tactics such as triangulation—introducing a third party to create jealousy or conflict—are also reported, all contributing to an environment of instability and emotional distress for the partner.

Within Families: The Complex Dynamics and Impact on Children and Partners

When a mother exhibits narcissistic traits, the family system often becomes organized around her needs, emotions, and desires, frequently to the detriment of other family members, especially children. Narcissistic mothers may view their children not as separate individuals with their own needs, but as extensions of themselves, existing primarily to provide validation, fulfill unmet ambitions, or enhance the mother’s own image.

Key dynamics within such families often include an obsessive focus on maintaining a perfect public image, a severe lack of open and healthy communication (often replaced by triangulation and gaslighting), poorly defined or consistently violated boundaries, pervasive control issues, unhealthy and often instigated competition between siblings, and an atmosphere of secret keeping to protect the family’s facade. Distinct roles often emerge within these family structures, including the narcissist (the mother, in this context), the enabler (often the spouse or another child who supports the narcissist’s behavior), the golden child (favored and expected to reflect positively on the narcissist), the scapegoat (blamed for family problems and often the target of abuse), and sometimes a surrogate spouse (a child who is burdened with meeting the narcissistic parent’s emotional needs).

The impact on children growing up in such an environment can be severe and long lasting. They may develop low self esteem, chronic anxiety and depression, difficulties in forming healthy and secure adult relationships, an insecure attachment style, codependent tendencies, an intense fear of abandonment, people pleasing behaviors as a survival mechanism, and profound difficulty in recognizing, expressing, or trusting their own emotions. Personal stories from adult children of narcissistic mothers frequently recount experiences of relentless verbal abuse, suffocating control, constant criticism, conditional love (love given only when the child meets the mother’s expectations), manipulation through guilt, and the confusing discrepancy between the mother’s charming public persona and her harsh, critical, or emotionally unavailable private behavior. This is not just about immediate suffering; growing up in a narcissistic family system can lead to children developing insecure attachment styles, codependency, or even narcissistic traits themselves as coping mechanisms.This highlights a distressing potential for a cycle of relational dysfunction to be passed down through generations. The “surrogate spouse” role , for example, is a profound boundary violation that can deeply scar a child’s understanding of healthy relationships and personal autonomy.

The Connection to Crime: Understanding the Profiles of Female Offenders

There is an established link between high levels of narcissism and criminal behavior. Dr. Ava Green is reportedly planning a new study focusing on vulnerable narcissistic traits among female inmates in British prisons, which could shed more light on this connection. Historically, psychopathy has been studied less extensively in female offenders compared to males. A 2015 study suggested that approximately 11 to 17 percent of female criminals could be classified as psychopathic, compared to a higher estimate of 31 percent for male criminals.

Research by Dr. Felice Carabellese on female murderers in Italy revealed that while most of the women in his studies suffered from some form of psychosis, among the smaller group who were deemed to have full criminal responsibility, about 40 percent exhibited clinically relevant levels of psychopathy. A particularly significant finding from his work is that these female killers were more likely to score higher on primary psychopathic traits, such as manipulation, than their male counterparts. Conversely, male psychopaths tended to score higher on traits related to antisocial behavior. This disparity suggests that existing diagnostic criteria and cutoff scores for psychopathy, largely based on male samples, may need adjustment when assessing criminal women. The finding that female murderers with psychopathy scored higher on manipulation while being less overtly antisocial suggests that the justice system, which is often geared towards detecting and responding to overt aggression, might be ill equipped to assess the true risk posed by highly manipulative female offenders who do not fit the typical “violent criminal” profile. If risk assessment tools heavily weigh past violent offenses (where these women may score lower), but underestimate their capacity for sophisticated manipulation and planned harm, then these women might be misjudged in terms of their dangerousness or potential for reoffense.

Furthermore, the article notes that female psychopaths may be such “brilliant manipulators” that their psychopathic tendencies are entirely missed by assessors. This capacity for sophisticated deception further complicates accurate assessment and risk management within the criminal justice system.

7. Healing and Moving Forward: For Ourselves and Our Communities

The experience of being in any form of relationship—be it platonic, romantic, familial, or professional—with an individual exhibiting significant narcissistic or other dark personality traits can be profoundly damaging. It often leaves a wake of confusion, isolation, and a deeply eroded sense of self.

Acknowledging the Lived Experience

Personal stories and accounts from survivors consistently highlight themes of emotional and mental exhaustion, pervasive self doubt often stemming from relentless gaslighting, the acute pain of devaluation after periods of idealization, and the profound struggle to reconcile the charming, often admirable public persona of the individual with the hurtful and manipulative private reality. Because the abuse from a vulnerable or covert narcissist is often subtle, highly manipulative, and may even involve the narcissist convincingly playing the victim , those affected may grapple even more intensely with self blame, confusion, and a reluctance to trust their own perceptions. Validating their reality, acknowledging that their experiences were real and harmful, is a cornerstone of the healing process. This internal conflict, where one doubts their own sanity (“Maybe I am too sensitive,” “Perhaps it is my fault”), can prolong the period of harm and significantly complicate the journey toward recovery. Support systems, including friends, family, and therapists, need to be particularly attuned to this insidious dynamic.

Pathways to Healing

While the path to recovery is unique for each individual, several key steps and strategies are consistently identified as beneficial:

• Recognizing and Labeling the Abuse: A crucial first step is the acknowledgment that the behaviors experienced are not normal, healthy, or acceptable, and that they constitute a form of emotional or psychological abuse. Understanding the patterns of narcissism can help to depersonalize the experience and shift from self blame to recognition of the other’s problematic behavior.
• Setting Clear Boundaries and Ending Contact (If Possible and Safe): Establishing and maintaining firm boundaries is essential for self protection. In many situations, particularly with non familial relationships, ending contact entirely (going “no contact”) is the most effective way to create space for healing and prevent further harm. This can be immensely challenging due to emotional attachments or manipulative tactics from the other person, but it eliminates opportunities for further engagement and being drawn back into destructive cycles. If contact must be maintained, for instance, in co parenting situations, the aim should be to create very defined, specific, and minimal communication channels (often referred to as “grey rocking” or parallel parenting).
• Seeking Supportive Connections: Narcissistic abuse thrives in isolation. Reaching out to trusted friends, understanding family members, or joining support groups specifically for survivors of narcissistic abuse can provide invaluable validation, comfort, and a sense of shared experience, reducing feelings of loneliness and self doubt.
• Prioritizing Self Care and Rebuilding Self Esteem: The consistent devaluation, criticism, and manipulation inherent in narcissistic abuse systematically erode an individual’s self worth and self esteem. Healing, therefore, involves a conscious and active commitment to self care—attending to one’s physical and emotional needs, engaging in activities that bring joy or peace, and gradually rebuilding a sense of self that is independent of the abuser’s definitions or reflections. Many survivors find that a core part of narcissistic abuse is the systematic erosion of their own identity, as their lives become increasingly centered around the narcissist’s needs, desires, and emotional state. Healing is therefore not just about recovering from pain, but involves actively rediscovering and rebuilding a self that was lost, suppressed, or never fully allowed to develop. This often includes reconnecting with personal hobbies, reflecting on one’s own values, and acknowledging personal strengths and accomplishments.
• Professional Help and Therapy: Engaging with a therapist or counselor, particularly one experienced in narcissistic abuse, trauma, and personality disorders, can be a critical component of recovery. Therapy can provide a safe space to process traumatic experiences, understand the complex dynamics of the abusive relationship, develop healthy coping mechanisms, challenge internalized negative beliefs, and work towards rebuilding a healthier sense of self and future relationships.
• Understanding the Impact on Children: For individuals who are co parenting with a person exhibiting narcissistic traits, or for those who grew up with a narcissistic parent, gaining a clear understanding of the specific impacts these dynamics have on children is vital. This knowledge can inform strategies to protect children, mitigate harm, and support their emotional well being, with the aim of breaking intergenerational cycles of relational dysfunction.

Healing is a process that takes time, patience, and self compassion. There will likely be periods of grief, anger, confusion, and self doubt, but with consistent effort and support, it is possible to move forward and reclaim a life defined by one’s own values and well being.

8. Towards a Fuller Understanding: Embracing Complexity and Empathy

The exploration of narcissism and related dark traits in women is not merely an academic exercise; it is a vital step towards a more complete and equitable understanding of human psychology and behavior. This journey requires us to confront societal discomforts, challenge ingrained stereotypes, and ultimately, embrace the full complexity of human nature with empathy.

Challenging Societal Discomfort with the Idea of “Flawed” Women

Dr. Ava Green candidly notes that discussing negative personality traits in women can make many people uncomfortable. She has even experienced anxiety when presenting these topics publicly, anticipating potential negative reactions. This discomfort is significant. It reflects a deeply ingrained societal tendency to idealize women or, at the very least, to view them primarily through a lens of nurturing, softness, and inherent goodness. Dr. Green compellingly argues that shying away from depicting women as possessing the full breadth of human behavior—which necessarily includes the capacity for cruelty, selfishness, and profound flaws—is actually a “disservice to the very notion of equality”. True equality means acknowledging the complete spectrum of human potential and behavior in all genders, not selectively editing the picture to fit preconceived notions or to maintain a comfortable, albeit inaccurate, ideal.

The Disservice of Narrow Gender Stereotypes

The insistence that women are solely or primarily hardwired to be soft, gentle, and nurturing carries unintended negative consequences. Such narrow stereotypes can subconsciously lead to the assumption that women are unsuitable for roles that require assertiveness, toughness, or authority, such as positions in leadership, policing, or politics. By acknowledging that women, like all human beings, can and sometimes do exhibit darker personality traits, we move towards a more realistic and ultimately more equitable view of gender capabilities and complexities. This recognition does not diminish women; rather, it affirms their full humanity.

Acknowledging the Universal Human Capacity for a Spectrum of Behaviors

At its core, the discussion about dark traits is a reminder that all human beings, irrespective of gender, possess the capacity for both good and bad, for constructive and destructive behaviors. The expression of these capacities is shaped by a complex interplay of individual predispositions, developmental experiences, and societal influences. An intriguing point raised in the source material is that if societal pressures have, to some extent, taught or compelled women to rein in certain forms of aggression (perhaps leading to more covert expressions), it suggests a broader principle: that men, too, could potentially learn to moderate their aggressive impulses through similar societal or educational influences. This moves the conversation beyond individual pathology towards an understanding of how societal norms and expectations can influence behavioral expression, offering a glimmer of hope for fostering positive change by addressing these broader social factors.

Concluding with a Message of Validation and the Importance of Awareness for Those Affected

Understanding these complex dynamics of narcissism and related traits in women is not about assigning blame or demonizing individuals. Instead, it is about recognizing patterns of behavior that can be incredibly harmful and disruptive to individuals, families, workplaces, and communities. For those of us who have walked these difficult paths, either personally or in support of loved ones, it is paramount to know that your experiences are valid. The confusion, pain, and self doubt that often accompany interactions with individuals exhibiting these traits are real and understandable, particularly when the manifestations are subtle, manipulative, and not easily recognized by others.

Increased awareness and open, informed conversation are vital. They are vital for individual healing, for protecting future generations from similar harm, and for fostering healthier, more authentic relationships within all our communities. This knowledge empowers us to see more clearly, to protect ourselves and others more effectively, and to advocate for a more nuanced and compassionate understanding of human behavior—an understanding that looks beyond simplistic stereotypes and acknowledges the diverse ways in which human struggles and strengths are expressed. It is through such understanding that we can build stronger, more resilient, and more empathetic communities for everyone.