The Space Between Us

An open letter to us men, regarding our women.

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This editorial was written by a previous writer by the name of Suaso aka Steven J. Pena. As WavyPack has now been acquired by Blackwell Media. All views and opinions are the writers and WavyPack Media reserves the right to remove this article at a moments notice.

I initially began writing this article months ago. Although fear of public perception deterred me from publishing back then. Then it finally hit me.. who gives a fuck? I’m with the bullshit. This may or may not be for you, and it may or may not apply to you as well. I’ve circled the block a few times. I’ve seen and done things I’m not proud of in my relationships with women, but I’ve grown aware of myself and can speak from the space of experience. Here are some, what I presume to be “wise words from a decent man.”

There is a major discrepancy within the dating landscape between men and women. Especially in spaces that harbor nightlife. Spaces once utilized to establish organic mutual connections with people are now a ring of unwarranted communicative sparring. Women, rightfully so, have established their grounds and are vigorously protecting their boundaries. Women have always deserved this right, and it’s unfortunate they ever had to fight for something entitled to them but here we are, at a crossroads. Speaking entirely from a male perspective, there may be some ignorance attached to this article, but I will learn and accept criticism or feedback.

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Here’s how I see it – I don’t know what other scenes are like. I’m reporting from my home and workplace in New York City. I operate as a Master of Ceremony/DJ in the event space and New York City nightlife. My purpose is to facilitate organic relationships in spaces where people come to connect over music. I’ve seen movements and collectives perish because of sexual harassment accusations. Whether you’re behind the production or a supporter, there’s a decorum and respect that needs to be upheld.

We are losing and not in the context of winning. We are losing the trust of the most valuable resource on mother earth. We’re losing the trust of our women. When I say “our” it is not in the context of possession. It’s within the boundaries of the responsibility and accountability we should have for each other. Similarly, the way a mother instinctively safeguards her children. It is our rightful duty to protect our women and shelter them from harm, not cause or provoke it. 

The same way a gardener protects and nurtures the plants from weeds and treacherous rodents. Giving them the right food, the correct nutrients, showering the garden with water, and positioning it to receive sunlight. When provided with music and space, the garden naturally reciprocates this energy back to the gardener. Aspects of that reciprocity can be distinctively tangible. Philosophically, it’s the lingering feeling of knowing you did the right thing.

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I use the garden metaphor loosely because, from my perspective, women are like flowers of all different varieties and complexities growing through the soil of their respective journeys. Some are a little thorny and defensive, others are softer and approachable. It is our responsibility as men to protect and nurture those flowers without expectation of anything in return.

She is not there for you. She is there for her. Our duty is to help her feel safe while she’s doing her. If she wants to do her with you, she will tell you or give you a sign. Sometimes, it will be clear and direct. In some cases, it won’t. I believe the best side to be on is the side of the gentlemen.

And let’s face facts – everybody is a player, men and women alike. We’re also in a selfish-I-want-to-focus-on-my-career, I-don’t-wanna-be-a-player-no-more, yet I wanna settle down, but I also wanna-keep-my-options-open-cause-I’m-not-with-the-bullshit landscape of dating right now. Plus, everyone is selling the best versions of themselves on social media. On top of that, people are in a deep healing space. Whether we want to acknowledge it. If we’re not aware of ourselves and our mechanisms, then we probably shouldn’t be outside in spaces mixing liquor, weed, and crew love. But that’s just my opinion…

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So you be you, but let me be frank, we all want sex and companionship. There’s a multitude of ways to get there and each person is complex and requires different things. The landscape has always sided with it being okay for men to have multiple partners, but not women. The truth is, it’s okay for everyone to play how they want to play, but you have to play respectfully.

Men need to heal and redefine what it means to be a man and women should remove all expectations of how they want men to show up in their lives because we’ll always let them down. We can get lost in expectations, selfishness, lack of empathy etc. especially if not operating within a clear headspace. Mixed signals can get lost in translation.

What I’m getting at here is that consent is sexy. Setting an intention is sexy. Respecting boundaries is sexy. Taking an intentional approach with someone you find attractive shows thoughtfulness. These things combined can lead to healthier developed relationships. Whether they be platonic, intimate, platonically intimate, spiritual, soulful or all of the above. Transparency and honesty are key, but it’s not something we’re all immediately prepared for, so take sharing at your own pace if things progress. Before a connection actually happens, the thought at its inception should be intentionally thoughtful and tasteful.

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I’m not gonna hit you with the Do’s and Don’ts for dummies almanac. I don’t have all the right answers. My perspective is simply to take a thoughtful approach. We are long gone from the days where pelvic thrusting to say hello or to peak interest is acceptable. You should be nervous. You should have a bit of anxiety before you make such a move. Those feelings and emotions should carry you to do the right thing. Doing the right thing is simple – ask the bartender what she’s drinking, buy it, and move on. She will reciprocate if she decides to. Write a little note on the napkin. Play with the eyes (they never lie) but you gotta take your sunglasses off in the club bruh. Ask to have a dance and, most importantly, take your cool off. If she says no, it’s not personal. She’s not in the space and it’s simply not for you. If you see her hugged up with someone else, don’t internalize that in a negative way. Be happy for her. You gotta trust that.

God got you, and in time with good thoughtful practice, an opportunity will open up for you.

Be a positively inquisitive person. The same type of thoughtfulness, vulnerability and transparency can take you a long way in the bedroom as well, but I’ll save that for another time. For now, remember that everyone in the world is having a human experience that could be similar or vastly different from yours. You can still relate to a lot of things on many levels. It is vital if you want to show someone that you want to care for them to create a safe space, while building the intention and communicating expectations.

Generously tip your bartenders and ask baby girl what she likes to eat. Women love food! Be kind to each other. I’ll see ya at the functions.

Love & Light, Suaso


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