I think most women have been there. That gut-twisting moment when you have to confront your man about another female. It doesn’t matter if you found something while lurking in his phone, saw some random chick staring him down at the mall, or just have a nagging feeling about a name that pops up a little too often. After being with the same man for almost nine years, I can tell you with no shame at all that I’ve been through every last one of those scenarios. And every time, after being called crazy or insecure, I’d get the same bullshit excuses: “She’s a thot!” or “I don’t even know her!” But my personal favorite, the one that made my blood boil, was always, “That’s just the homie.”
There was one “homie” in particular. The “friend.” She’d been in his life for as long as I’d known him, probably longer. For the first couple of years we were talking, I didn’t really give a damn. I wasn’t taking him that seriously yet, so it was whatever. But when things got real between us, that’s when I started feeling a way about her. Because she would always, always, ALWAYS call, and he would always pick up. Well, not always, but enough for me to question why the hell is this broad so important?
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Before I go on, let me be clear: I’m not here to throw these two under the bus. One of them is the love of my life, and the other is some alleged thot who lives a gazillion miles away. This is just my side, how I felt, and what went down.
So let’s get into it. She pressed my buttons, severely. The calls came at all hours: early in the morning, late at night, those 2 a.m. texts that feel like a direct threat. I couldn’t deal. Because in my head, it was simple: no chick with a life is calling another woman’s man all damn day. She wanted him. Period. I would get so heated over it, so consumed with checking his phone and throwing petty hints, that I probably did start to sound crazy. And that’s when I had to take a step back and ask myself why this one particular girl was getting under my skin so damn much.
I had to be real with myself: I have an insecurity issue. I’m not even going to front. It’s not so much jealousy as it is being extremely territorial. My man and I are polar opposites. I was always the awkward oddball in school, the girl nobody was really checking for. He, on the other hand, was always “that guy.” He was cool as hell, knew everybody, and commanded respect. It felt like every female was attracted to him, wanted to sleep with him, wanted a piece of what was mine. I was SO convinced. So even when he reassured me that I was “the one,” my mind was still running a thousand miles a minute, creating scenarios where I was getting played.
After one too many arguments about the same old shit, I had to force myself to stop being Petty Spaghetti and just look at the facts. As much as I wanted to call this girl up and tell her to stop freakin’ calling, I couldn’t. First of all, she wasn’t even in the same state. Once I let that sink in, I had to turn down the crazy by about three notches. That was an L for my paranoia. Then I thought about the calls themselves. I hated that they spoke at all, but when they did, it was never for that long. “Okay, so maybe they really aren’t talking about shit,” I thought. Another L. Then I had to factor in his honesty. This is a man who has never had me out here looking stupid. We talk about everything, and more often than not, what he says makes sense. I was just skeptical because I knew the man he used to be. But he told me he never did anything with her, and even though a part of me will always wonder, I have to trust his word.
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That’s when it really hit me. The problem wasn’t him or her. The problem was me. Yes, she was calling, but he wasn’t always picking up. In fact, he started getting so annoyed that she kept doing it that he stopped answering altogether. And while that made me feel better, it also opened my eyes to my own shit. I’m a jealous girl. I feel insecure sometimes. I feel like I’m not enough. I feel imperfect. But I can’t let those feelings poison my relationship. If a man is riding with you, he’s riding with you. Constantly acting like a crazy hoe just shows a lack of trust in him, and more importantly, in yourself. It does more damage than whatever you think is going on. A little jealousy might be healthy, but you have to know when to check yourself before you wreck yourself. Trust is key.
